not change, never change - and a panic attack

i dont like change
cant stand change
to the degree my parents have to tell me if they are even contemplating something which might not even happen so i can get comfortable with the idea in my head before anything even remotly related to this occourance can happen.
change indicates a loss of control to me and i need structure and stabiklity as many people with dyspraxia do. sometimes my mum tole me it would be easier to say i was autistic than dyspraxic as people would understand it more.

so why am i writing today?

i just had, and ams till recoverin from, a massic panic attack!

my symtoms :

• uncontrolable crying
• shaking
• dificulty breathing, swalowing/lump in throat
• inabiity to speak or make more than asmal noise
• inability to move
• feeling like i looked like a crazy person
• lack of control - happening to someone elce?

The reason
I came home and my mum had moved all of my stuf in my room - dvd's were all wrong,puzzles id wanted to do are ow in the loft, boxes have been moved or replaced, personal spaces where i keep photos of my parents pre divorced had been rearanged.

basicaly the one place i felt safe had been invaded and all control had been removed.

"normal" teens would react in one of 2 ways
option a - the option my mum had wanted " awww, wow my room is all tydy, (happy)
obtion b - ah feck i have no idea where anything is now shes moved it, how annoying (frustrated/ irritated)

me - pure fear.

stupid realy but thats a more extreem example of not likeing change mayb it came about frm my parents divorce if u wanna analyse me but oi think in part ive always been this way.

the only warning id had ws mum saying shed moved my books - id done my best to tydy my room and placed books under my bed so she could clean. ths ws way more than moveing my books

everthing tht cd be mooved, has been moved.

i feel iu should say more on the subject, but its been 2 hours and ive still not quite calmed down. honestly coudnt speak. at all. other to say disjointed wrods when realy focuisn. i can now almost speak but its still difficult. yes i can type but tht doesnt envolved to much focus as my hands wont stop shhaking n idgeting anyways so this is helping to get my feelings out and calm me down.


so - moral - WARN your child of any changes, how ever minor or kind they may seem. if they feel they have lost control etc it can be very scarey. change things gradualy or, if its a large change talk about it before hand and work together to implima=ent the change - when id first rearagend my room it was ok as i did it over a long period and had full control


How do you fix this?
my mum kept saing she couldnt undo it - she was evidently lost ad distresd by my reaction but i ws to distresed myself. a hug would have helped. even if the child doesnt respond it has suposedly been provd to lower heart rate.
How elce?
i found writing down my feelings because i physicaly couldnt speak a good emotional release, along with crying and squeezing stress balls.
Finaly if you child feels they lost control, help them regain it

i felt masivly better once id reorganised my dvds back into the order they had been when i left, and unpacking various items and putting them in places arround the room similar to where they would be if i was at university, to alow me to regain a sence of familurality.

by making it feel more like sething i recognise im less frightend. analyse this how you will but i canot stres how important it is to be carful about anychanges around chilldren with dyspraxia. not everyne will be effected as strongly as i was, but if they are, it can leave them feeling frightend of themselves because of the unexpected strong adverse reaction to something they can recgonise would not effect others so strongly.

i have never felt so different to other people as i have tonight
dont wory tho. im startin to feel better. its now 1 am and im getting there. i will watch a film i lo ve to help me feel more normal.
Esme

p.s may i shd point out my room hasnt changed without my partial or full envolvment since before my parents divorced whn i ws 11..  and tht ws just giving me new curtains and matching dovey set whilst i was at my grandparents house for the week so hardly rearanging all surface items along wiht personal boxes of memorys etc which were looked at only by me... invasion of privacy and space doesnt begin to explain how it made me feel...

lists and distractions - please write it down?!

oh hello short term memory - care to be more reliable?

everyone has the occasional problem with remembering long lists of things to do, but with dyspraxia, even remembering every day tasks is a struggle
from cleaning my teeth, brushing my hair, to getting dressed and washing in general,if my parents gave me a list of things to do, " go up stairs, wash your face, clean your teeth and brush you hair", id be lucky to get as far as clean my teeth, and often id be yelling downstairs to ask why id gone up their in the first time.

this was frustrating for them as gave them concerns id struggle in adult life

i'm now at university and during my year ibn student halls i had a post it note on my bathroom door to remind me to brush my teeth - embarrassing enough and necesary enough as it was alone, i spelt it wrong too! not fun to explain to a friend or other half you invite round for a coffe.

i think this is always going to be a dificulty for me, but i found that by keeping to a schedual as much as posible keeping my days the sme helped- although on occasion i do tasks twice forgetting id done them moments earlyer - my friends find great amusment in my ability to forget and loose ting, constantly running around my room,or between rooms realing i cant find what id put down only moments earlyer. my first set of flat mates would remind me, but we had gentle fun by their hiding my things in the room the were left - funny to start with but not helpful in the long run.

Employers have generaly been good at letting me write down the tasks i need to compleate, or writing them down for me,but ocasionaly i get remarks like "how can you posibly read that?" returning back to my handwriting - i had to politly point out that it was a list for me not them, and explained my dyslexia and dyspraxia at which point they rapdily apoligised.

in short, new lists, or everyday tasks can be tricky, but my memory makes up for this by allowing me to remember vast quantities of text ive read, or key past events in my life

A Quick poem to explain my frustration

Ah handwriting - bane of my school life
for years and years my teachers,parents and peers would feel the need to tell me how poor my hand writing was in comparison to everyone else's including those younger than me!!
making me use handwriting sheets for primary school children aged 5, at aged 13 - highly embarrassing and something a stubborn child like me refused out of pride,jelousy and principle - no one elce my age,to my knowledge, was using these ...
Even now my handwriting still is pointed out to be poor, despite life mostly being around computer based things. even had a supervisor at work  laugh at my writing not knowing i have dyspraxia and dyslexic tenancies.this was on a list for my own use for stocking shelves, which no one else would have needed to see, so id used short hand as well, but it was felt an unnecessary comment.
i told her and she apologized ,but i was since told shouldn't have had to be in that situation regardless.
so, in may this year (2011) on the 6th
i wrote the following about my frustration about the importance of handwriting in schools and exams, despite the fact it's fastly becoming obsolete.
so, if you care to, enjoy! :

Bug infestation…

Its you who makes me use this fountain pen
Make these chicken scratches again and again
You who wont let me adapt
Pens are pens and that’s a fact
That spider that crawled across my desk
Fell in the ink, and made this mess
Is called my brain talking with my hand
Using commands it cant understand
So PLEASE just get off my case
It’s just my handwriting
Its not the fate
Of the human race

Im too Tierd to stay out late - or even up past 10!

BED - The most wonderfully invention in the world!

when youve had a hard days slog at work,or maybe just doing papper wrok from your job, or essays from school,college or university , you are understandably tired.

now, of course everyone is different, some people are morning people, and some are children of the night.
in general i am a morning person, i rarely sleep past 10pm, and its a compleete anomoly or once a year thing if i stay asleep past midday

so - why am i always tierd?!
this can come down to several aspects.
1st being, that, as everyone one is differnt, people have different thresholds for how well they can funtion on varying quantities of sleep - understandable

second, is the varaiation of stamina between individuals - which can be improved upon perhaps by regular excersice, something which anyne can find hard to get into

Finaly we can bring it back to dyspraxia. ive had several dicusiions with the suport staff at my university, and done a bi of reading along with conversations with friends whom i know have varying levels of dyspraxia. what we have established is often, people with dyspraxia have poorly toned muscles, or that be cause of the way they use their body which may be unusal from other "more abled" people that more energy is used for tasks of the same degree.

in the past this didnt effect me too much, i mean there always a kid in Physical education who is a bit rubish, slow, unflexible, or has poor hand eye co-ordinatio, so whilst i knew i wasnt at the same physical sate as the so calle d"sporty" kids  i didnt realise that other children, would be doing the same amunt of work as me in school,doing several hours work, or play on getting home, and often not sleepng till midnight, but it having no effect on their energy. myself hwever, would get tierd just walking the ten minuts to the bus, read on the bus, and take a futher hour to relax once getting home before atempting homework . no matter how much home work i had, i found it dificult to focus any later than 8or 9pm, and was always in bed by 10 oclock at night.

ok, so, i was tierd more, but it was hidden, and on sleepovers, yes i was the first to fall asleep, but i could stay awake through distractions of conversations and films on those nights


But How did this tranfer once i started going out or going to university?
naps - naps are a god send to students, so if i knew i was going out in an evening, i would take a nap befor hand, and more often a nap the day after having been out, though still going to bed by 11pm at the latest and having a long sleep, getting my full ten hours, despite the extra sleep id had to balance out going out.

The Problem didnt show itself untill i enterd the second term of my university year.
I got myself a job - perfectly normaly, twice a week, a fiver hour shift both times, earl start, lunch time end. being used to early mornings from school, there was no problem. in fact some one with dyspraxia can benifit from a job as it provides routien an order which is significantly decreased when moving from colege or 6th for to university. where previously you had a 9-5 5 day week, with ocasional hour, or half days off, you suddenly could , if your are lucky enough, go to a 6 hour week, and potentiall 3 or 4 day weekends.

this sudden lack of sturucture left me with a sence of aimless nes and i found myself wating time and finding i had sooo much free time i couldnt motivate myself to complete tasks.

so having obtained a job, i found myself working harder to alot time for tasks due to having longer known periods that i wouldnt be working. i also had the night before each shift where i chose to not go out, but stay in, have an early night, or get some work done.

i started going out less, though, some how managed to go out maybe once a week at most.
what i didnt realise is that by leaveing anywhere between 11pm and 3am i was offending people becuse i "was going home early"
may i just state the 3 occasions i went home before midnight, were because i had been doing extra hours at work, or already been out twice that week, combined with starting "pre- drinks" at 8 , meaning by the time we left i was drunk already,, and as drink makes me sleepy as it is, i didnt feel i would cope going out, or be happy out, which would have upset the others.

this offence was dicussed and i ecplained i wasnt leeving early due to not enjoying their company, or beng bored,, but merly exaustion.

to date i have only suceeded in stayin out past 2 :30 twice - once until4 and another till 4:30.these were due to not having been out early, and having so much fun that i didnt notice the time fly - so it would seeme njoyment is certainly a factor, but oth times i hadnt been out at all for the two weeks leading up to it.


so, normaly ill stay out till2/ 2:30. and now its not a problem.
but a second problem presented it self during the revision period
now , everyone is again different.

some people will revise during the day time, others will sleep through most of the day, starting revision late afternoon, staying up untill midnight or later -following the same time pattern as they would if going out.

this highlighted diferences again

Working with a group of friends n the library gave motivation - if they were working, i felt motivated to be doing the same.its phyclogical basicaly.

however, i tended to have breakfast, bring lunch and snacks with me and then go home for dinner.
on rare ocasions i would have dinner and return, or pack a dinner. yet, on average i stop revision at 7pm. with 10pm being my latest. i desperatly needed sleep as i couldnt concentrate.

my peers were different.
their day startetd as early as 7 or as late as 2pm, with it ending at their earlyest of 9pm, and their latest being half midnight, when, on one occasion they decided to go for impromptue drinks the next day as a reward.

this promptly ment their comradery as with going out, was increased through their shared revision and drink time. and it was promtly forgotten i had spent the best part of the day revsinig with them too - mafde clear by statuses saying theyd had great days in the library, naming everyone, bar me, despite being their 9 till 9.

It also left me seeming, from their view, to not be putting in as much effort, or dedication. i wasnt working as hard as them, they thought. after all, throughout the day i had taken 20 minit breaks every 2 hours, and a hour break for lunch.they how ever had had may a 20 min lunch and 5 or 10 min breaks every 3 or 4 hours.
therfore i felt looked down upon,in such a way as to be made to feel small, useles or like i wasnt worth being with them because i wasnt trying as much as them. when infact, i was going the extent of my ability, knowing i had a high need for sleep and routiene, just as they were following their own capasity.


The problem being that everyone is different - yet very few people know or can handle this.



Solution? - well i have options
evaluate my friendships - are they true freinds if they belitle me and make me feel small? probably not.
and as i dont enjoy their form of going out,it makes me les of the group, and negativly effects my emotions.


i have other friend whom prefer similar interests to me, like a nice meel out - this happend recently and we established it was much preferd as a way of socializing as we were able to relax, not worry about loosing eachother or inibitions, catch up, and socialize more effectivly.

wilst going out may seem a key university factor. i think i have lernt to go out regularly with 1 group only, in drinking terms, and try to avoid spreadin myself over several social areas - ie decided which group i enjoy to go out dancing with, the group that likes similar locations and music, as its more fun, and my ability to last increases.

Also - find other ways to socialize - meals out, walks, sports, cinema etc. even just a cup of tea or coffe or beverage of some kind at home or at a cafe after lectures to catch up, and relax.

do the socializing which suits you best - whilst i love all my friends, i am going to try to find ways of socializing with them which suit my abilitys more,night in rather than nights out. and if they dont want to do those sorts of things ever.well its sad, but obviously ive made a poor friendship decision and should stick to those whom  take me as i am, and whoss versions of socializing enjoyment more closly resemble mine - after all, if you dont enoy something, it tends to show, and anoys people who have invited you along for fun,as you can bring everyone down, or disapoint them through a percieved lack of effort.



To sumize then?
going out isfine for some and not for others, im going to work on all my relationships,but i believe that these friend i only see out at night for drinking are less my friends or group, as i only join them on occasion, so am not privey to in jokes etc as im more a visitor and easily forgotten.

Where groups form - either go one on one (or small 4 person groups), or be in the group that likes more relaxed socializeing, those are my true friends. - find the similarities, and focus on them



i hope this blog post has givemn some insite to the ways of not just people with dyspraxia, but to all the differnt people and atitudes that exsist.
dont be offended if people cant stay out as late, be apreciative that they came, and provide other options, both parties should comprimise - a life long learning lesson for all.


As always - any questions on posts - if you have an insite you wish to share, or you want more specific information etc, just post and ill do my best to explain using real  experiences and examples.

Thanks for reading!


Esme

clothes and dressing

so as part of my dyspraxia there are a few things im uncomfortable with - my sence of touch, Is I gues heightend, so i always hated wearing tight clothes,especially anything which had high necks, so scarfs, neck chockers,short chained necklasses long sleeved clothes or skinny jeans were and still in part are TORTURE!! I mean, not litterally, but I have to fight the urge to claw off anything which is too tight!
This makes clothe buying a challenge, especialy with all the fasions on tight clothes last year. consiquently im not a strong follower of fashion, but im trying harder now to make an effort on my appearance (soo boring!) im not a tom boy, but im not a girly girl either. and as i think i said before - i hate socks!

generally the dislike of tight clothes from my reaserch, and conversations with others, is quite common especially with younger children, and i find my angsiety, for thats what it is for me as well as discomfort, over tight clothes is lessening as i get older -providing my clothes streach of course

Big no,no's on my list include :
Tights - could their be a more tght fitting item of clothing?
anything that is tight, or clinging to my waist/stomach area
socks - if i dont have 2 wear them - off they will come!
Scarfs - TORTURE!!!
anything touching anywear near the reagin where my adams apple resides.. or wht ever its cald when you are female...
Long sleve tops - in part because of the tightnes ,eek, but a little to do with the exmae on the inside of my elbows
leggings - ive worn these a few times and im warming up to them, but if i was a few years younger, theres no way i would have worn them

My FAVE CLOTHES:
Anything baggy or loose
if its not in permanent contact with my skin, its a god send. the weather today is suny , if a little cold meaning i can wear less clothing
Skirts - althoug its been pointed out i dont sit in the most feminine of ways,  so these stay at home mostly
Flowng dresses  - the kind which are close, but not restrictive - anything which prevents movement is a no!
Shorts - specifically board shorts, im no surfer, i tried once and it was fun, they arent a fassion statement, just extreeemly comfortable
Baggy trousers -  joggers 3 quarter lenghs,material  ones are lovely - sadly i cant wear these as much as i like with my friends as i would be labeld a chav, r frumpy .. grrr fasion s an inconvienience, but when you're trying to fit in and feel omfey, i found the best mid point to be jeens - still not 2 tight, but makes it look like youve made an effort . even if the fasion has changed to wearing leggings with EVERYTHING,  wont be doing that anytime soon

so those are the clothes i like most.colours no big thing, its comfort , both on my skin, and in outward apperance. but it doesnt matter how good the item makes me look, if i cant stand the feel of it on my skin - out it goes!

Its not just how tight clothes are, but how they feel, i have no idea if this is to do with dyspraxia or not, but if its made of wool, n way am i wearing it!

i have to stick with cotton for the most, i hate the feeling of anything lacy - bad luck for whoever my soulmate turns out to be, but being them (who ever they are) i believe they will find  me beautiful, without having to wera lacy dreses poofy skirts with netting underlay or anything like that .


Dressing :
 oh now thats been great fun all my life (heavy sarcasm)
part of dyspraxia as ive said before is difficulty controling your muscles/ body movments - PAIN
so when it came to clothes,well buttons and shoelaces proved a problem, and buttons are still a bit too fiddly for my liking. i stuck with velcro for as long as i could growing up.


oh heels,what a wonderously evil invention, sorry to alianete you guys
but seriously! as a growing female, if i'm expected to dress up, heels are beoming more and more of an expectation, and it realy is a balancing act - and doing them up is a battle in itself

I actually got dressed for work one day, and didn't notice until 3 hours in that my shirt was inside out, and that id gotten half way through removing my pj top before forgetting what i was doing, so walked arround work for half of my shift with my pj top arround my waist, luckily it wasn't visible as i was wearing a work given jacket , but it gave us all something to laugh about

(sources - dyspraxia foundation)

speaking before you think

This is one of the most anoying things EVER!

I've been told its because my mouth works faster than my brain, yet ive also been told my brain works faster than my hand (when im writing i miss out words - sorry if this happens here)

Now, smetimes i will ask people questions. not to be mean, not to be rude, but to gain a better understanding of them and the world arround me. ive always been extreemly inquisitive ad love taking things appart so i can see how they work and put them right back together.

My fave question is WHY?
why do you always use that pen?
why are you wearing jelwery to bed?
why do you always wear that hat?
Why does the food taste different to normal?
these questions dnt mean i dislike, or judge you for what you are doing, i just want to know why, as ive been told that they arent normal,yet to you they are, but anything out of the ordaniry i do makes me completly different and a person to be judged?

questions just come right out of my mouth, no sencorship, i dont think about tone, timeing, or appropriatenes of the situation, or how others might feel. some, many infact say im being thoughtles, and in a way i am. but sometimes, ive been thinking about the question for the last ten mins and i think im asking ok. but im not

Questions are hard!

an introduction and example

Hey there

so this is my blog, thanks for signing on to read it.
ill start with introducing my background

I'm 18 and was diagnosed with dyspraxia and "dyslexic tenancies " (apparently the two go hand in hand alot...) when i finished year nine, aged 14.
I always knew i was different. dont get me wrong, i made friends easily, go on holidays and id have made a friend before we've even finnished unpacking or setting up camp.i loved primary school, i loved singing, and enjoyed acting, and helping class mates if they were stuck. i had an active and vivid imagination,and loved to play in the sand, or in the water. but often i much more enjoyed playing along, because then i wouldn't be judged, and i had a massive aversion to change.( amplified greatly in year 6 age 10 with the separation and divorce of my parents)

Wilst i was younger, my biggest problem was my handwriting,no matter how hard i tried i couldnt write neatly. i tried hard but i couldnt join up my handwriting. i would smufdge my work. not helped by the fact my primary school made the use of fouaintin pens compulsary.
the only other things that made me different were that i found swimming difficult - couldnt do front crawl without roling onto my back.
oh and there was the inability to throw or catch - i was always so proud and surprised when i succeeded. the final noticeable difference was that, despite everything always being in the same place, i was constantly bumping and bashin into things , tables, chairs,doors and dorways.

i was a bright child, always smiling, very ahppy and studious and focused child. i made mistakes sure. but i was one of the best readers in my class, and whilst i was younger i was also one of the best at spelling.Maybe thats why noone noticed?
they say that the intelligent kids are worst off because they are ignored by teachers, the teachers focus on helping the other kids learn whats needed,. so its the brightest that are missed. the slower children, it shows in their tests so they are picked up, and if they are lucky take extra lessons at home to catch up. all the other kids are fine. but the brighter kids, they can look after themselves. just set them extra work, after all they are surpassing expectations of their age anyway.



SO what made me so different?



well -  i always knew i was different, as ive said. one reason being the handwring thing, the other was that i found it that much easyer to be friends with those older than me. my mum worried about me , bacuase she knew eventually my friends would leave primary school, and id have no friends left. and for the mst part she was right. afterall it wasnt making friends but more keeping friends, or comunicating with people who didnt know me, that i fount difficult.


i was always the weird one in clas, am stil even now at university.
The problem i have, bar the balance, rubish handwriting which was and is constantly made fun of,and the increasing inability to spell, the problem i have is comunication.


When i talk to others im not always awear that what i said may be hurtful, rude, sound sarcastic or incincear. so, often i am mis understood. recently i joked about how a friend of mine had done everything - to her this sounded like i was saying that she was boasting, tht it was unfair, and that i disliked her for it. but actually i was telling her "WoW" because i found it amazing that shed already experienced so much in life where as i, always hold my self back, so have barely done a fraction. i was saying i thought her cool, and inspiring and saying i wish i was her and had done so much.
im constantly told im rude. and if im not realy focusing,or thinking about it, i can make terrible first impressions.

i was, am and ever shall be called weird for my differences. my lack of seeing the problem with doing socially uncepted things.( appaerntly its strange to hate wearing socks...?or hate tight clothing?)  my dislike of going out clubbing, my inability to deal with large friendship groups, or the fact that even now approaching the age of 19, i have only just truely experienced what it is like to have a group of friends who know and like each other, as opposed to having one or two friends scattered around in different groups.


so, lets explain a bit about dyspraxia shall we?

Dyspraxia is a dysability which is not very well known. it effects several aspects of the person with dyspraxia , and i think its dysplaid differntly.
 if you google it, often you just find a lst f symptoms.
so. its the brain. its wired differently to others.
in my case i cant pick up on subtitles of speech and my balance and muscle control is poor. oh and  i cant stop fiddling or fighting, i realy cant!


my parents didnt get me dagonsed until year 9, even though they say they noticied something was wrng as early as the age of 11, if not sooner.

they did this because they didnt want me to think it was my fault that i was differnt, my fault for the disability.

sadly their attempt to protect me, lead to me  not being understood by my farther, who would get frustrated and yell when his supposedly intelligent daughter, didnt understand what he was saying, thinking i was pretending, or being awquared on purpose.
It lead me to not understand why everyone atround me thought i was so weird, and why i didnt feel i fitted in with certain groups.


i found my place, in the library, and in the computer rooms. places where i could hide my face and myself and fade into the background.


I BEG anyone reading this, if they think their child has a dysability, to get them tested, because its a lot worse to grow up thinking there is something wrong with youre personality and that you fail as a person not realising their is a reason. than to have a label put on you,to get help and understading. because, you can just blame the label, not you.
i often say its not my fault, its the dyspraxia.
its not an excuse
But its an explination
and we are all searching for answers
and without them, i ended up hating myself all the more. with them, i can keep trying to become better